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| i know i'll always be just a "friend"
or even worse,
maybe even a little less than that eh?
lalala,
you know how your over someone but yet you love them? (no, im not talking bout IN love, cause thats a total different story)
i think thats what it is.
i think i after all that wondering what it was,
i figured and learned that i AM over 'him', but yet a part of you will always care. or heck, love them.
yeah i learned to let go and let him be... i learned it a while ago.
cause after all,
WHO AM I to pull back that "string" thats not meant to be there.
why keep on touching the fire when it will only hurt you..
i mean, obviously if it didnt work out..then that happened for a reason right?
right.
i mean like okay, it pretty sad how things change...
how two people who were best friends then becomes stranger or maybe just acquatinces.
HOW? why..... idk.
its sad how its just a "HI" and nothing anymore than that.
what happened to the laughs, the jokes, the in depth conversations, the late night calls, the random calls, the "best friend" ?
....basically, what happened to everything?
thats okay.. im all goood though.
haha =D no REALLY I AM,
i just think about it sometimes, or maybe..quite often hahaha.
but, i AM over it. -- trust me.
i am.
im just a very big thinker.
and i am quite sure that i wont be ready for a relationship just quite yet. and im afraid that it will be like that for a while. and im even more afraid that i wont ever let my guard down cause im just being too overprotected with myself. cause for one, after everything i thought i was ready but i just couldnt do it...
BEHIND EVERY UNTRUSTING GIRL IS THE BOY WHO TAUGHT HER TO BE THAT WAY.
we were almost there..but -- almost doesnt count.
| | |
| dont think im ready.
& maybe thats why i just wasnt really into it/him last night.
i mean...i guess he is a nice person & all but idk, it just wasnt cutting it for me.
ugh, majority of the time, i had someone else in my head or more like i was comparing him to someone else. i know its bad, but it not easy i guess? i mean you know how it is when you cared for someone a lot and got close to that one person, but when it falls down it makes you have your guard up just cause of all that shit you had to go through? or on the contrasting side, he isnt as goood as your past person kina thing? you get...? idk what im saying. but yep.
& so something happened, and i felt i didnt really "click" with him, and we were on different boats.. something like that.
ahhhhh, i dont know what it is,
-not ready?
-no good enough & dont want to settle for less?
OR
-is it the fact that im not over someone even though i tell myself i am?
( im pretty sure i am, it just kina brings the past in my mind)
its just so confusing. im sure its nothing, or i hope it is. cause i dont want to continue on with it.
...or maybe i just needa meet a guy thats from home & not here. or wait, i think im better off alone.
bye. | | |
| ALMOST!
yay im so excited. i think its about time to be home. i needa break. i miss EVERYONE! i miss my home. ilovehawaii. always always will be my home. oh gosh c'mon time...hurrryy! i need to stop anticipating the days before this week will go by even more slower! haha cruds. man..im so excited i feel like im gonna pee in my pants already hehehe =)
wow, i cant wait to be home. to see me family, my friends!, AGAPE!, church + so on.
so schools all pau now. & nows its time for finals! just only got 2, and i should be studyng, eh? haha. so yeah..
everythings been goood! it snowed several times =DD..exciting much? mhhm yup.
AH im so excited! now i really gotta pee. aloha my loves!
| | |
| dear journal,
its 3 something am n just got back like half hour ago? anyway..YAY no school tomorrow lol. well i guess that gives me time to do homework.. =D life good so far, so thats a plus. starting to miss home cause the days are getting closer till when ill be back. so so so so excited haha. hopefully my mommy changes my flight so i dont have to leave on the 1st. lol. but yea...
anyway, so i put this song on my myspace only cause its one of my favs & i love it.. [i stay in love by mariah carey] and then just recently i just fully fully listened to it and read the lyrics. and WOW, i never realized how much it related to me, or my past situation. heh >.< emo much? WHOA, idk why ive been thinking about it so much lately. wait, i tink i know why. i think cause everytime -he- calls it kina brings it back. well not really, but jus tthat tincy incy what if kina thing? UGH, i mean i lke it when he calls n it gves us time to catch up n stuff, but i really really dislike how i end up being after. like how i am now. i start to think about it agen, then a little emo. BUT im all g though.. =DD erggh. imy,bf. it sucks, but watev.i smile, i happy.
..when will it be my turn?
Dying inside cause I can't stand it
Make or break up
Can't take this madness
We don't even really know why
All I know is baby
I try and try so hard
To keep our love alive
If you dont' know me at this point
Then I highly doubt you ever will
I really need you to give me
That unconditional love I used to feel
It's no mistaking
We're just erasing
From our hearts and minds
We said let go
But I kept on hanging on
Inside I know it's over
You're really gone
It's killing me
Cause there ain't nothing
That I can do
Baby, I stay in love with you
And I keep on telling myself
That you'll come back around
And I try to front like "Oh well"
Each time you let me down
See I can't get over you
Now no matter what I do
Baby, baby
I stay in love with you
Na na na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na na na
Baby, I stay in love with you
It cuts so deep
It hurts down to my soul
My friends tell me
I ain't the same no more
We still need each other
When we stumble and fall
How we gon' act
Like what we had
Ain't nothin' at all now
Hey, what I wanna do is
Ride shotgun next to you
With the top down like we used to
Hit the block
Proud in the SUV
We both know our heart is breaking
Can we learn from our mistakes
I can't last one moment alone
Now go I know
We said let go
But I kept on hanging on
Inside I know it's over
You're really gone
It's killing me
Cause there ain't nothing
That I can do
Baby, I stay in love with you
And I keep on telling myself
That you'll come back around
And I try to front like "Oh well"
Each time you let me down
See I can't get over you
Now no matter what I do
Baby, baby
I stay in love with you
...still cant figure out if it was like of love, or none at all?
the complications of life. | | |
| EDITED.
i want to be your #1 sometimes,
the one that you'd do anything and everything for..
the one that you would gladly appreciate & treat with respect and kindness.
the one that you would drop everything for
the one that you can laugh about the most randomest things
the one you can fight with, but at the end of it you know everything is at its best..
the one you will fight for when the worsts comes..
the one who you will meet half way..
the one you will show love to,
the one you will love unconditionally.
oh wait, i just woke up from my dream.
i hate when songs brings back the past feelings & memories.
i say, FUCK IT.
one day..just not right now, huh?
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